"David danced before the LORD with all his might"

Monday, September 3, 2012

i never thought i'll post here again...

but here it is.

i danced for the first time today, in a long long time. the last time was during ccis. during happier times. during carefree times.

have u ever done something and knew that was what you wanted to do all your life?

that's what dance feels like sometimes.

but like all good parents, here came in a perfect dose of realism just as i was typing the above words.

this is not the timing to make any rash decisions. i know.

but this i also know, if you gave me a choice to dance for myself or dance for God - my choice would always remain the same.

i choose to dance for God.

and as long as this passion stays inside of me. that's what i'll do. for all my life.

Once upon a time, i had prayed for God to remove this useless passion away. and he told me it was here to stay and it was here to be used. I cling tight to that.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT LIFE!!!!=D

Monday, July 11, 2011

I’m feeling so discouraged today. Heard of a friend who got leave of absence granted to her for a mission trip whereas I didn’t.

Initially, i was already disappointed with the rejection. But i got over it pretty quickly after a few tears and switching my perceptions around. But to have someone else get the approval over me... that hurt. Alot.

Am I not holy enough? Did I not pray enough? Does God think I can’t handle the mission trip? Did I not hear His voice? These are the thoughts that ran through my head. And they were eating me away. Eating my confidence away. Eating my joy away.

And soon, it became so evident to me. One of my biggest problems, I think, is my entrenched perception of a need to meet a High Standard and the dreadful feeling that I’ll never meet it. It sucks me dry of energy. It kills my motivation. It sets me up against my friends whom i view as deadly competition. It dampens my effectiveness. And I stress out either working for my salvation or worrying about how I’ll never meet it.

But the Only One i seek to please has already met the standard for me.

I’m like a permanently crippled girl, who needs someone to lean on to walk. But being the stubborn know-it-all that I am, every once in a while i'll try my luck walking without any support. It seems fine at first. But my old wounds act up. I push forward with all my strength. The pain intensifies. I fall to the ground and crawl till I’m a mess.

And then, there You are. Consistent. Loving. Gentle. Picking me up and draping my arms around Your shoulder. And we continue to walk forth together.

I will trust in You Lord. Let not the devil have this way of planting thoughts in my head or robbing my time with You away. I am not holy enough. Never will be. But with You, I’m being made holier everyday. With You, my sins and weaknesses are covered with Your crimson blood and permeating light.

On Your rock, I am strong.

In You alone, can I carry on.

While i was in Aus, my friend shared with me a vision she had of me. I held a light bulb that was lit up. Someone came along, took it, crushed it and threw into the bin. But when the Destroyer turned back, there was a new light bulb in my hands, once again, lighted up.

Through the storm, I will hold on, Lord.

And by faith, I will walk on, Lord.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

God makes me cry, God makes me smile

One of my big fears about coming back to Singapore is that i would sink back into life's comfort zone like a cushy bean bag. I'm glad to say, life has not returned to normal yet.=)

Legal Education Board has rejected my appeal for leave to go the Hong Kong. And boy was i disappointed! After all, I thought I had heard God speak so clearly. And all I want is to do His will. Why is there no victory?

My very wise dad told me that perhaps the journey i was to take wasn't to Hong Kong per se, but through the process of application. To taste rejection. When we hung up the phone. I teared. I'm such a weak girl. Any minute fear of rejection is enough to send me cowering. I had tasted it. I was scared. And i asked God in that moment: "Is this gonna be what it's like to start a dance ministry is like? Am i gonna be rejected often? I feel lonely. Again."

I wiped my tears after a minute. My mascara was not waterproof. My next move was to go meet the deputy director to ask his advice.

As i made my way to sub courts, i was nervous. After all, i've been so persistent. Would he be irritated? Would he be condescending? Would he listen? After all, it looks like i have low chances. Why try?

But i should try. I'm gonna run until i finish.

So i met him. Such a nice man. I had nothing to fear. The door to Hong Kong is officially closed.

But for Playmax, it is wide open.=)

I have been clamouring for dancers for quite a while... And just in the span of 1 day, God has provided me not just 3 more dancers, but dancers with such a heart for God and for dance. Dancers i click with. Dancers that are "like-minded." Dancers who heard the call to dance ministry around the same time. Dancers that would stick around for a long while.

Very exciting.

It's been a full day of work though. I've not watched youtube or watched tv or read a book. So i'm slightly zzz now. This needs getting used to!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Such a beautiful night. I went out to stand on Kel’s 2^nd floor balcony. I wanted to soak in the weather… the cool breeze on my face. Blowing through my hair. Seeping through my thermal wear to my skin. A cool wind. A chilly wind. I started to shiver.

I went down to retrieve my jacket and came back up. I stood there and soaked it in again. The white and orange dotted lights all around the house. A car went zooming by. I couldn’t see it, but the dispersion of its headlights told me exactly where it was. The wind was blowing like crazy. I could hardly keep my hood on.

God, are you in the wind? Can I hear your whispers?

God, bless this country. Bless the Christians in this country. Bless this land. Bless one50. Keep Dani healthy. Drive Kel and Kel and give them renewal in you and an energy to keep going, pulling youths together and inspiring them. I thought about Bek’s family… I thought about my walk down the beach and how I met Kevin... I thought about Lulu and how encouraging she was at D team…

As these thoughts race through my head, this song plays in my head.

And den I thought about how it must be to be God of this earth. The flatness of Adelaide further emphasized just how big the earth really was. I think about how many people there must be living out around Kel’s balcony. A few ppl for each orange and white light I saw. So many ppl… like the stars in the sky… And all of them made in the image of God? Wow, God, what a wonderful planet you had made and had intended to be. I looked up at the dark purple sky… I wonder how big God’s palm must be to hold it in His hands. I want to know Him more. I crave for His word. To know all that is in the Bible.

I rush down to pack my stuff and bring my laptop up so that I could do my QT out in darkness, in the roaring wind. I stepped out. A huge of drop of water lands on my face. Aww, raining, I tried to brave it. I sat down for 5 seconds. But I had to protect my com. So now I’m back in the living room.

Today, i danced before the Lord with all my might. I did my last every dance performance with the team and it was intense. I danced so hard, i felt sick straight after that. My chest was in pain, i coughed so hard and i could hardly breathe for about a minute. I took a video of it. Can't wait to watch it and show you guys too.=)

I'm coming back. And i'm scared. Not much is going my way for my dance ministry back home. I'm lacking dancers. I've been rejected for my application for leave of absence not just for the Mission Trip but PlayMAX. Am i really up to this Lord? Did you really call me? I heard you Lord. I'm so sure I did. So why the many obstacles? And there are just gonna be more obstacles in the future aren't there, Lord? I'm not sure i can take it, mate...

"You gotta have a conviction. And then, you gotta keep running." Kel. B said to me. (James 1: 3 - 8)

"It's easy to have a cop-out. We could have gave up on one50 so many times."Kel. R said to me. Look at where one50 is now. (And yes, the directors of one50 have the same first name)

So, I’m coming back. And i'm gonna run run run until I finish. I will work till I’m weary. I can rest when I die. =) (those are lyrics to a song btw, it sounds way less emo-kid in the song, LOVE IT)

See ya soon guys! (Sherlyn, we must train for our 10k run soon. Coz i wanna run a physical 'marathon' while i run my spiritual marathon too!)