I’m feeling so discouraged today. Heard of a friend who got leave of absence granted to her for a mission trip whereas I didn’t.

Initially, i was already disappointed with the rejection. But i got over it pretty quickly after a few tears and switching my perceptions around. But to have someone else get the approval over me... that hurt. Alot.

Am I not holy enough? Did I not pray enough? Does God think I can’t handle the mission trip? Did I not hear His voice? These are the thoughts that ran through my head. And they were eating me away. Eating my confidence away. Eating my joy away.

And soon, it became so evident to me. One of my biggest problems, I think, is my entrenched perception of a need to meet a High Standard and the dreadful feeling that I’ll never meet it. It sucks me dry of energy. It kills my motivation. It sets me up against my friends whom i view as deadly competition. It dampens my effectiveness. And I stress out either working for my salvation or worrying about how I’ll never meet it.

But the Only One i seek to please has already met the standard for me.

I’m like a permanently crippled girl, who needs someone to lean on to walk. But being the stubborn know-it-all that I am, every once in a while i'll try my luck walking without any support. It seems fine at first. But my old wounds act up. I push forward with all my strength. The pain intensifies. I fall to the ground and crawl till I’m a mess.

And then, there You are. Consistent. Loving. Gentle. Picking me up and draping my arms around Your shoulder. And we continue to walk forth together.

I will trust in You Lord. Let not the devil have this way of planting thoughts in my head or robbing my time with You away. I am not holy enough. Never will be. But with You, I’m being made holier everyday. With You, my sins and weaknesses are covered with Your crimson blood and permeating light.

On Your rock, I am strong.

In You alone, can I carry on.

While i was in Aus, my friend shared with me a vision she had of me. I held a light bulb that was lit up. Someone came along, took it, crushed it and threw into the bin. But when the Destroyer turned back, there was a new light bulb in my hands, once again, lighted up.

Through the storm, I will hold on, Lord.

And by faith, I will walk on, Lord.