I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT LIFE!!!!=D

I’m feeling so discouraged today. Heard of a friend who got leave of absence granted to her for a mission trip whereas I didn’t.

Initially, i was already disappointed with the rejection. But i got over it pretty quickly after a few tears and switching my perceptions around. But to have someone else get the approval over me... that hurt. Alot.

Am I not holy enough? Did I not pray enough? Does God think I can’t handle the mission trip? Did I not hear His voice? These are the thoughts that ran through my head. And they were eating me away. Eating my confidence away. Eating my joy away.

And soon, it became so evident to me. One of my biggest problems, I think, is my entrenched perception of a need to meet a High Standard and the dreadful feeling that I’ll never meet it. It sucks me dry of energy. It kills my motivation. It sets me up against my friends whom i view as deadly competition. It dampens my effectiveness. And I stress out either working for my salvation or worrying about how I’ll never meet it.

But the Only One i seek to please has already met the standard for me.

I’m like a permanently crippled girl, who needs someone to lean on to walk. But being the stubborn know-it-all that I am, every once in a while i'll try my luck walking without any support. It seems fine at first. But my old wounds act up. I push forward with all my strength. The pain intensifies. I fall to the ground and crawl till I’m a mess.

And then, there You are. Consistent. Loving. Gentle. Picking me up and draping my arms around Your shoulder. And we continue to walk forth together.

I will trust in You Lord. Let not the devil have this way of planting thoughts in my head or robbing my time with You away. I am not holy enough. Never will be. But with You, I’m being made holier everyday. With You, my sins and weaknesses are covered with Your crimson blood and permeating light.

On Your rock, I am strong.

In You alone, can I carry on.

While i was in Aus, my friend shared with me a vision she had of me. I held a light bulb that was lit up. Someone came along, took it, crushed it and threw into the bin. But when the Destroyer turned back, there was a new light bulb in my hands, once again, lighted up.

Through the storm, I will hold on, Lord.

And by faith, I will walk on, Lord.

God makes me cry, God makes me smile

One of my big fears about coming back to Singapore is that i would sink back into life's comfort zone like a cushy bean bag. I'm glad to say, life has not returned to normal yet.=)

Legal Education Board has rejected my appeal for leave to go the Hong Kong. And boy was i disappointed! After all, I thought I had heard God speak so clearly. And all I want is to do His will. Why is there no victory?

My very wise dad told me that perhaps the journey i was to take wasn't to Hong Kong per se, but through the process of application. To taste rejection. When we hung up the phone. I teared. I'm such a weak girl. Any minute fear of rejection is enough to send me cowering. I had tasted it. I was scared. And i asked God in that moment: "Is this gonna be what it's like to start a dance ministry is like? Am i gonna be rejected often? I feel lonely. Again."

I wiped my tears after a minute. My mascara was not waterproof. My next move was to go meet the deputy director to ask his advice.

As i made my way to sub courts, i was nervous. After all, i've been so persistent. Would he be irritated? Would he be condescending? Would he listen? After all, it looks like i have low chances. Why try?

But i should try. I'm gonna run until i finish.

So i met him. Such a nice man. I had nothing to fear. The door to Hong Kong is officially closed.

But for Playmax, it is wide open.=)

I have been clamouring for dancers for quite a while... And just in the span of 1 day, God has provided me not just 3 more dancers, but dancers with such a heart for God and for dance. Dancers i click with. Dancers that are "like-minded." Dancers who heard the call to dance ministry around the same time. Dancers that would stick around for a long while.

Very exciting.

It's been a full day of work though. I've not watched youtube or watched tv or read a book. So i'm slightly zzz now. This needs getting used to!

Such a beautiful night. I went out to stand on Kel’s 2^nd floor balcony. I wanted to soak in the weather… the cool breeze on my face. Blowing through my hair. Seeping through my thermal wear to my skin. A cool wind. A chilly wind. I started to shiver.

I went down to retrieve my jacket and came back up. I stood there and soaked it in again. The white and orange dotted lights all around the house. A car went zooming by. I couldn’t see it, but the dispersion of its headlights told me exactly where it was. The wind was blowing like crazy. I could hardly keep my hood on.

God, are you in the wind? Can I hear your whispers?

God, bless this country. Bless the Christians in this country. Bless this land. Bless one50. Keep Dani healthy. Drive Kel and Kel and give them renewal in you and an energy to keep going, pulling youths together and inspiring them. I thought about Bek’s family… I thought about my walk down the beach and how I met Kevin... I thought about Lulu and how encouraging she was at D team…

As these thoughts race through my head, this song plays in my head.

And den I thought about how it must be to be God of this earth. The flatness of Adelaide further emphasized just how big the earth really was. I think about how many people there must be living out around Kel’s balcony. A few ppl for each orange and white light I saw. So many ppl… like the stars in the sky… And all of them made in the image of God? Wow, God, what a wonderful planet you had made and had intended to be. I looked up at the dark purple sky… I wonder how big God’s palm must be to hold it in His hands. I want to know Him more. I crave for His word. To know all that is in the Bible.

I rush down to pack my stuff and bring my laptop up so that I could do my QT out in darkness, in the roaring wind. I stepped out. A huge of drop of water lands on my face. Aww, raining, I tried to brave it. I sat down for 5 seconds. But I had to protect my com. So now I’m back in the living room.

Today, i danced before the Lord with all my might. I did my last every dance performance with the team and it was intense. I danced so hard, i felt sick straight after that. My chest was in pain, i coughed so hard and i could hardly breathe for about a minute. I took a video of it. Can't wait to watch it and show you guys too.=)

I'm coming back. And i'm scared. Not much is going my way for my dance ministry back home. I'm lacking dancers. I've been rejected for my application for leave of absence not just for the Mission Trip but PlayMAX. Am i really up to this Lord? Did you really call me? I heard you Lord. I'm so sure I did. So why the many obstacles? And there are just gonna be more obstacles in the future aren't there, Lord? I'm not sure i can take it, mate...

"You gotta have a conviction. And then, you gotta keep running." Kel. B said to me. (James 1: 3 - 8)

"It's easy to have a cop-out. We could have gave up on one50 so many times."Kel. R said to me. Look at where one50 is now. (And yes, the directors of one50 have the same first name)

So, I’m coming back. And i'm gonna run run run until I finish. I will work till I’m weary. I can rest when I die. =) (those are lyrics to a song btw, it sounds way less emo-kid in the song, LOVE IT)

See ya soon guys! (Sherlyn, we must train for our 10k run soon. Coz i wanna run a physical 'marathon' while i run my spiritual marathon too!)

my application for leave of absense from the Legal Education Board has been rejected. Both for the mission trip and playmax. Pls pray for me?

tomorrow's my last day in Adelaide. =(

i'm gonna miss the food.

i'm gonna miss the sights.

i'm gonna miss nature

i'm gonna miss the longs drives.

i'm gonna miss the ppl.

i'm gonna miss standing still before the Majesty of it all.

I'm gonna miss extended time reaching out to Higher Heavens everyday.

But this is it. I'm gonna be back. And ready to go.

just in case there are really ppl who are helping me ask around for dancers...

practice date has been changed to saturday, 6.30pm - 8.30pm! (HOPEFULLY THIS IS THE FINAL FINAL DATE)

helphelphelp

When i started this journey, playmax (the dance item i'm preparing for in September) had seemed so ultra fun.

the fantastic initial view i had of what it would look like really gave me motivation to keep on this path. To see what was on the other side and along the way. To see if i'll see anything more amazing than what i had seen right at the start.

I breathed a prayer to my Lord who charts my ways: "I'm trusting you to bringing me through Lord. This is the path you chose for me. This is your project. I put my faith in you. I claim your promises."

i got the rough idea that it was gonna be challenging and sometimes scary. Afterall, i had no idea how the path God had placed me on would look like. I just knew it looked long.

As i continued on, i began to take more and more notice of what was around me. There were sometimes little scary obstacles in the way which made the journey a little less rosy to walk. There were also areas where my footing was slightly unstable and i lost abit of confidence in my ability to walk this path well.

the journey went down. i was scared i would fall.

But on the other hand, i had the fantastic experience of hanging out with ppl who had walked the path before me. Not only did i soak in skills, i soaked in perspectives and life lessons that would last till eternity.

the journey went up. i was scared i couldn't keep up or that i'll slip back down.

And then, it came.

my first big challenge.

PlayMAX is in 2 months. Practices start in less than 2 weeks.

And i have only 2 dancers, plus me, 3.

I'm tempted to be scared. But then again, I had started of the journey with a prayer to have faith in the Lord to see me through. One of the promises I have committed to claiming by faith is that the Lord will provide 6 dancers (excluding me).

How far would this journey go?

How huge is the ground i'm stepping on?

Night was falling.

I was tempted to be scared. But i started to notice, that as it got darker, my steps got quicker. Simply because, i could no longer pay extreme attention to the details in my path, simply because i couldn't see it. i had low visibility. And now, i simply had to trust the person guiding me. Walking in the dark became a more pleasant experience than walking with full awareness of every single tiny little detail on the path. I was liberated. I was liberated to trust, have faith and obey my Heavenly Tour Guide.

And to trust, He'll lead me to where He wants me to be.

NOTE: Photos taken from my fantastic walk down moana beach with my host and her husband. We walked for over an hour. It was breath-taking in more ways than one.

ANyway, my best friends in the entire world, wanna be God's channel of blessing? (teeheehee) Please help me crack ur brains just for a minute to consider if you have any friends that might be interested in taking part in the dance item? =) Some details as follows:

- An evangelistic hiphop dance item for a carnival organized by Youth for Christ, targetted at youths.The carnival is on 9th - 10th Sept.

- Practices will likely be on saturday nights, 6,30pm - 8.30pm starting 9th July.

- I'm looking for ppl who love to dance and who love God! And prefably no younger than 15 years old to 30 years old. that's it! no need for super skills!=)

If anyone shows even the slightest bit of interest, do let me know?? =)

Love you lots and see you SOONNN!!

A season where my name will not be remembered

It is my 2nd sunday visiting this church.

Great is Thy Faithfulness,

O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with thee

I closed my eyes.

Thou changest not

Thy compassions they fail not

As Thou has been Thou forever will be

Tears start to well up in my eyes. As they always do during worship. I cry even before i know what i'm crying for.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Morning by Morning new mercies I see

My brain finally catches up to my tearducts.

[CONVERSATION STARTS]

Lord, Lord, Lord... i'm so alone. I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely here in Adelaide. I'm so lonely thinking about how i'll be leading the dance team alone.

You are never alone. I'm right here with you.

All I have needed,

Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord unto me

Lord Lord... I'm so useless here. The churches are great. The ministry is great. The christians are great. The YOUNG christians are great. What am i even doing here?

This is a season where your name will not be remembered. However, My Name will be proclaimed. By churches. By ministry. By great christians. By you.

Wow God, i hear you and i hear your powerful Word, but i'm hardly doing anything for you.

Gd on you mate. You're hearing me alright. Now, to just put my whispers into practice. Because faith without works is dead.

Oh... You are right. I have been hearing things from you but not heeding them till you prompt me at least 3 times. Goodness, God, i suck. Listen to these struggles i'm having!!! I'm having struggles with loneliness and friendships! Things i should have got over in secondary school! I'm struggling with being bold for you in speech! I'm so shy. I'm struggling with doing so little coz it makes me feel so useless.

Right on, you are. You always had a tendency to put your works and your plans over mine. Bet you thought that problem was solved years ago, huh? Nope... Same old problem's still around.

Sigh... I suck don't I.

If you didn't suck, you wouldn't need grace. Now, go show grace to everyone else. Show grace knowing that ppl have their seasons, their own unique personal struggles, their unique personality.

But but but... I suck!!! How do i do all that??

My child, you're already redeemed. And because you are redeemed, you are already changed and reaping that progressive change day my day. Right now, you're changed.

I sure don't feel changed.

Well, Abraham sure didn't feel or look righteous, but i proclaimed He was because...

Of His belief.

Gd bible knowledge. Well done!

Ok i get it God... But what does belief really mean... i wonder....

(((Right there and then... the preacher calls for those who aren't sure where they are going after they die to pray the sinner's prayer with them. I almost shrugged it off with a "yea, DOOH!", but i realized... if you told me i had gotten a terminal illness today and was going to die soon... I'm not so sure if i would be that confident in a God or Heaven. And so... i prayed. And right after that... the preacher called those who prayed that prayer to stand up! Horrors of Horrors!)))

Ok Kim. I heard your prayer. Now, "if you're ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you."

I'm not ashamed of you Lord! I do not want to be!

That's fantastic. Now make that stand. Don't bother who's looking and how you look.

[CONVERSATION ENDS]

I was the first to stand. And boy was i shy. But I did it! I made a stand for God. And i knew, I KNEW life was going to be different from this point forward. It was like i was refreshed!

I'm stepping out in faith. Stepping out, not always knowing what the next step is but with my eyes turned to God and my ears tuned to God. Let go, Let God.

About 5 days ago, Kel, the director of one50 asked me to join the team on their trip to HongKong. However, my law course is starting right smack in the middle of it. And what more, preparations for PlayMAX! Scary. I'l love love love to go God!!!! Butttt... i think no. Maybe... i'll go along with one50 for their Singapore activities?

And so that was that.

But then... Kel asked me again 2 days later. And i was equally excited when i heard her ask again. But i was so scared. I suck so much at law already... what would missing 4 days cost??? And what more the ppl i'm accountable to... Are they gonna be super pissed off with me??? And would my dance practices for PlayMAX be completed???? Will i be a burden to the team on the trip????? Will i be like an intruder in what is such a close-knit group of friends?????? The questions were as numerous as Abraham's descendants.

But nowhere near enough to quell that excitement in my heart.

To do ministry for God in the 2 areas i love - youth and dance. To minister to the students in HongKong who are close to home. To see one50 and be directly part of their team in their workshops and ministry.

And the biggest thing for me...

To step out in faith and trust God to provide for all my concerns.

And so, i prayed for His will to be done. And if it was His will that i should go, the approvals i needed would come. First and foremost, my parents. Next, my church and YFC. Lastly, the legal education board senior director.

My parents, who love me so dearly... Have released me to do as God has directed even despite the discomfort (esp for my mom). One of my YFC "mentors" replied my email in a matter of hours with the go-ahead.

God, i hear you. Thank you my God.

And so guys... thanks for reading up till this juncture. Must be hard since there are no pictures!! I don't know if i could have read someone else's blog post that was this long!

Pls pray for me, you'll see me when i return this sat. But i'll most probably be flying of soon again. All glory to God.

It is a season where my name will not be remembered. I welcome it Lord. And i welcome difficult times if that's the only way things get through and stay in my thick skull .=)

-----------------------

the dance i did. My first experience directly worshipping God through dance. this is just a clip of the dance performed by some of the one50 leaders. i am not in this clip!=)

back breaking. head aching. from sending out a thousand gazillion emails.

i performed the same item twice today at 2 different concerts. i was more nervous the 2nd time round coz i actually knew and was aware of what i didn't know in the dance? if you get what i mean? 2nd time's a charm though! pulled it off!

today was a really exciting and busy day for everyone. but for kim? she spoke about a total of 20 sentences today. awesome. the difficult lessons that God is teaching me here... sigh.

on the brink of making a very exciting and scary decision.

also, i'm performing tomorrow in concert guys!!!! how exciting. i've only danced the dance like 3 times before. crazy right. good luck and good bye.

strange strange adelaide

a car that had driven straight over the divider (at 10am in the morning)

a huge siberian husky tied to a pole at a carpark of a shopping centre with a bowl of water next to it.

day-to-day insurance for new mothers who are staying home to look after their kids.

-----------------------

in other news, i'm gonna be practising for a dance later which i will be performing at one50's mid-year concert tomorrow and the week after. how exciting is THAT?????

let's just paws and think about it.

Honestly, it's been a struggle to be in Aus. There are times when im so happy to be here coz it's such a beautiful country with GREAT WEATHER (MUAHAHAHA!!!) and TIM TAMS and funny, entertaining, beautiful, warn ppl and great dances/dancers.

But then... i'll just be constantly reminded how i'm not here on a holiday. I'm on a MISSION. And so... this is what happens.

oh look!

PRETTY!!!

no, PAWS PAUSE.

i am here on a MISSION. I am not a tourist. no time to look see look see.

oh look!

DANCERS!

WORKSHOPS!

OFFICE!

DANCERS!

DANCES!

DANCING!

OFFICE!

DANCE!

dance.

dance?

dance.

office?

office.

what am i doing here.

seriously.

and it's been hard. for those who know me well enough, i am a Worker and a Recognition-junkie. I need to work, so that i can get recognized for being useful and significant. And i know that, but it's never really been obvious that such an attitude has seeped into my everyday mentality? I thought i was just like at school and sometimes, at ministry?

Apparently, i'm like that ALL THE TIME. teehee.

And i really can't stand it when i feel like i can't help with anything or offer anything and that i'm imposing on ppl? It's almost like "Hey! Since i'm staying in your house/sitting at your office desk/breathing your air, i need to return the favour by paying you in terms of deed/wise words/jokes to the quantity that matches the blessings you've bestowed on me." And i feel like some ppl are asking silently "what's she doing here, just standing around? doing nothing? watching us? she's creepy!"

that's their facial expression, not mine.

I can't stand it!!! imaginative aren't i.

And so i'll be fidgeting. maybe not on the outside but inwardly, i'm spasming from the stillness, silence, nothingness emitting from my body. And that soon leads to regret. Regret for spending money to come here. Regret coz i can't answer to my church and friends back home about miracles or service-filled days where i would go home and collapse on the bed immediately because i had exerted ALL my energy and done SO MUCH for God's kingdom and God's ppl that day. Regret coz i didn't talk to the girls i met yesterday. Regret for eating the food, sleeping in the beds and breathing the air of the ppl here for no apparent reason for me doing all of these at all. i could go on and on and on... BUT

And den i realized, God was teaching me a different lesson here. A particularly DIFFICULT lesson for me.

“Do you think spending an extended time with me in Australia, basking in the gift of a holiday and trip I’ve given you, is a waste of time?” he whispered, during this morning's staff prayer.

No, God, I don’t.

The past 2 and a 1/2 weeks have been one of the best times i've ever had with God, esp times when i had no/little access to internet. I love the extended time spent journaling and reading His word and just being still. I love how beautiful Adelaide is and how He has given me a newfound and infant awe for HIS creation - the rolling green hills and the gorgeous ocean.

It's just my attitude that needs checking. I was reading the book my pseudo-mentor gave me (im not going to mention names but her name starts with H and ends with Qi and she loves her new iphone)

And i was reminded that my spiritual growth is really ultimately “controlled” by me… Not by the ppl here, my perception of them or even the cultural differences (be it whether real or not). I have the choice to make on whether to experience God and be thankful at every juncture, even when I’m just sitting still and not doing aything! Or alternatively, i could busy myself with finding something.... ANYTHING to occupy me and not think 2 seconds more of where God fits in with all of this.

I’m learning to be in the background. I’m learning to slow down and just listening. I’m learning how it feels to be the lonely, the quiet, the observer, the oddball, the “useless” and how to minister to such ppl. I’m learning to relax in a way that rejuvenates my mind and spirit instead of filling it up with empty stuff. I’m learning to be still and quiet instead of talking and walking all the time. I’m learning not to be recognized.

I rejoice with such opportunities and experiences I would never get back home. They aren’t Boom!BAM! experiences, but they sure are no less enlightening. And I choose to cherish these with all my heart. Such a humbling experience. I’m not going to allow Satan to taint this by painting me a picture that suggests this trip is not from God. It clearly is. I had my parent’s blessings, I have my church’s blessings, I had my closest friends’ blessings. I’ve had the heart for a dance team since I met one50. I’m not going to allow Satan to taint the trip and taint my vision for a dance team as well. It is God’s opinion and not man’s opinion that matters.

I am on a MISSION. But i'm also on an adventure. And God is the best tourguide and party-planner i've ever met.

helloo helloo new song discovery

Compare:

With:

Compare:

With:

A certain lady gaga song (i can't even watch the video coz it sickens me)

missing Singapore right now. =(

the most beautiful wall i've ever seen

i went to this church called Coastlands yesterday and i saw the most amazing wall ever.

Scribbles.

A wall of names. A wall of names of people whose salvation church members were praying for. There was no cardboard covering the wall. No noticeboard. Just pen/marker ink directly scribbled onto the white wall.

and if u look close enough, you can see some names being cancelled out.

those are the names of the people who have indeed been saved.

how beautiful is that.

I'm currently in mackers feeding off the wifi for a bit. It's been a rather busy week for the peeps around here so DISPEL ALL MYTHS that Aussies are "laid-back" and lazy.the one50-ers are SO busy, it's crazy. BUT yet they are busy with not just work but spending time with people and so they actually have fun while they are busy! confusing huh.

It's really such a blessing to be here. I ain't really doing much coz i'm so new to the culture here and the organization but i'm having my perspectives sharpened so much - not just on dance but on culture and Christianity in general. The Christianity preached here is so warm, self-uplifting and individually-redemptive. And that is so impt. It is so refreshing to hear it, coming from a rigid, structured society. And I think it’s great and done wisely and beautifully here…

But I’m beginning to see how thin the line is. Between healthy self-valuation and unhealthy self-obsession; between joyfulness and unwise “optimism.” But Singapore and cultures I’m accustomed to are just as susceptible to toeing these thin lines. The line between discipline and legalism; the line between being word-based and narrow-minded. And the scary thing is, I’ve never even been fully aware of it until I see the other side of the world.

So i realized there have been words after words after words on this blog BUT NO PICTURES. nothing to prove i'm in adelaide. i could just be hiding in a cyber cafe in aljunied typing all this and u wouldn't even know!

so here are some interesting things.

a day out with my cousin down from melbourne. wine tasting galore.
i won at bowling CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.
we celebrated pentecostal sunday by throwing balloons in the air while singing "Celebrate Jesus Celebrate". The kids kept the balloons bouncing all throughtout the msg.
Crazy sisters at my first homestay - Bek and Hannah. I adore them to bits.
how grotesque is that.

my new found favourite drink... FROKE.
YFC South Aus director's car.
Singapore fundraiser for the team coming down in July. Never felt so proud to be a Singaporean other than the time i took part in NDP.
getting ready for laksa.
Rendang has never tasted so good.home-cooked by Dani's dad.
this is yummier than our actual curry veg. I MISS SINGAPORE.

a day at the beach. the most fun i've had so far!
Dani. =) How beautiful is that.
THAT'S ME GUYS! I LOOK LIKE A MODEL. THIS LOOKS PROFESSIONAL.
beautiful Dani.
we parked the car ride next to the beach and the water swirled around the car wheels a few times! i panicked the 1st time that happened.
this is a school we went to for a workshop. crazy beautiful.

AND LASTLY, a summary of the gospel which i thought many of us holy christians would like.

=) there's more stuff but i think im due to leave mackers soon! hopefully the next house i move to tml would have wifi!=D

i can't believe im in australia. and i can't believe half of my time here is over already. i'm starting to miss everyone back home.=) im so excited to start the dance ministry once i get back and meet the youths and meet ALL OF YOU AGAIN! Everyday has brought an experience with God here. And i hope this doesn't stop once i'm back.

will share a few more stories and pictures sooooonnnn.=)