let's just paws and think about it.

Honestly, it's been a struggle to be in Aus. There are times when im so happy to be here coz it's such a beautiful country with GREAT WEATHER (MUAHAHAHA!!!) and TIM TAMS and funny, entertaining, beautiful, warn ppl and great dances/dancers.

But then... i'll just be constantly reminded how i'm not here on a holiday. I'm on a MISSION. And so... this is what happens.

oh look!

PRETTY!!!

no, PAWS PAUSE.

i am here on a MISSION. I am not a tourist. no time to look see look see.

oh look!

DANCERS!

WORKSHOPS!

OFFICE!

DANCERS!

DANCES!

DANCING!

OFFICE!

DANCE!

dance.

dance?

dance.

office?

office.

what am i doing here.

seriously.

and it's been hard. for those who know me well enough, i am a Worker and a Recognition-junkie. I need to work, so that i can get recognized for being useful and significant. And i know that, but it's never really been obvious that such an attitude has seeped into my everyday mentality? I thought i was just like at school and sometimes, at ministry?

Apparently, i'm like that ALL THE TIME. teehee.

And i really can't stand it when i feel like i can't help with anything or offer anything and that i'm imposing on ppl? It's almost like "Hey! Since i'm staying in your house/sitting at your office desk/breathing your air, i need to return the favour by paying you in terms of deed/wise words/jokes to the quantity that matches the blessings you've bestowed on me." And i feel like some ppl are asking silently "what's she doing here, just standing around? doing nothing? watching us? she's creepy!"

that's their facial expression, not mine.

I can't stand it!!! imaginative aren't i.

And so i'll be fidgeting. maybe not on the outside but inwardly, i'm spasming from the stillness, silence, nothingness emitting from my body. And that soon leads to regret. Regret for spending money to come here. Regret coz i can't answer to my church and friends back home about miracles or service-filled days where i would go home and collapse on the bed immediately because i had exerted ALL my energy and done SO MUCH for God's kingdom and God's ppl that day. Regret coz i didn't talk to the girls i met yesterday. Regret for eating the food, sleeping in the beds and breathing the air of the ppl here for no apparent reason for me doing all of these at all. i could go on and on and on... BUT

And den i realized, God was teaching me a different lesson here. A particularly DIFFICULT lesson for me.

“Do you think spending an extended time with me in Australia, basking in the gift of a holiday and trip I’ve given you, is a waste of time?” he whispered, during this morning's staff prayer.

No, God, I don’t.

The past 2 and a 1/2 weeks have been one of the best times i've ever had with God, esp times when i had no/little access to internet. I love the extended time spent journaling and reading His word and just being still. I love how beautiful Adelaide is and how He has given me a newfound and infant awe for HIS creation - the rolling green hills and the gorgeous ocean.

It's just my attitude that needs checking. I was reading the book my pseudo-mentor gave me (im not going to mention names but her name starts with H and ends with Qi and she loves her new iphone)

And i was reminded that my spiritual growth is really ultimately “controlled” by me… Not by the ppl here, my perception of them or even the cultural differences (be it whether real or not). I have the choice to make on whether to experience God and be thankful at every juncture, even when I’m just sitting still and not doing aything! Or alternatively, i could busy myself with finding something.... ANYTHING to occupy me and not think 2 seconds more of where God fits in with all of this.

I’m learning to be in the background. I’m learning to slow down and just listening. I’m learning how it feels to be the lonely, the quiet, the observer, the oddball, the “useless” and how to minister to such ppl. I’m learning to relax in a way that rejuvenates my mind and spirit instead of filling it up with empty stuff. I’m learning to be still and quiet instead of talking and walking all the time. I’m learning not to be recognized.

I rejoice with such opportunities and experiences I would never get back home. They aren’t Boom!BAM! experiences, but they sure are no less enlightening. And I choose to cherish these with all my heart. Such a humbling experience. I’m not going to allow Satan to taint this by painting me a picture that suggests this trip is not from God. It clearly is. I had my parent’s blessings, I have my church’s blessings, I had my closest friends’ blessings. I’ve had the heart for a dance team since I met one50. I’m not going to allow Satan to taint the trip and taint my vision for a dance team as well. It is God’s opinion and not man’s opinion that matters.

I am on a MISSION. But i'm also on an adventure. And God is the best tourguide and party-planner i've ever met.